Friday, September 19, 2014


a selfish mom of four.  is that possible?  it is.  it is indeed.
yesterday i had issues.  i don't know when it started or why, but i didn't get my way yesterday.  i think the root of this is that i'm missing time with my favorite fella.  he's working like a dog right now and i feel like we're ships passing in the night.... he comes home from work to relieve me.  but sometimes the kids are already in bed or we are running to and fro from some sort of practice.  i need some time with him, for us to reconnect and just sit and talk.  and i know he's tired.  so very tired and i'm so thankful that he works so hard for us.  but i miss him.
so, i'll go ahead and give you an excuse to leave before we get into this any further.  if you're feeling the least bit judgmental or critical this morning, you are free to leave. i don't want to hear how it could be worse or that i should enjoy them while they're little.  i know all those things.  i want to vent to people that are willing to listen and understand.  so go.  i'll wait.
ok, so those of you left are either completely understanding or you judgmental folks don't follow directions well.  either way, keep your negative nelly comments to yourself.  i'm going to take a moment to speak some truth.... about my life anyway.
yesterday, nothing bad happened.  we were all healthy, and happy.... for awhile.  i had an idea of how my day would go and the children had an idea, as well.  sometimes those two things aren't the same.
i woke up at dark:thirty to do my workout, and i was kinda grumbly already.  **why do i have to get up so stanking early to do this, if they would just sleep a little later, i could get a workout in at a time when humans are supposed to be awake, instead i'm up in the middle of the night, trying to work off my tacos.** (those were internal thoughts between the ** BTW)
that awesome, uplifting internal dialogue continued throughout the morning.  i don't know what started it, but it was hard to squelch.  **ugh, are they still piddling around upstairs?  i don't want to go up there again.  how come when i'm up at dark:thirty to get my workout in, maebry gets up at dark:thirty too?  what time am i going to have to get up to be the only awake person here? pack lunches?  i have to do that again?  do they seriously have to eat so much?  why don't they like crispitos?  that's what they serve at school every day.  grumble grumble grumble.**
so, i'll save you the trouble of going through the whole day. that was just before 6:30.  but i'll give you a hint.... it lasted all day.  sometimes getting more violent, sometimes with some attempts to talk myself back into reality.... but i wasn't having it.  i was determined to be a brat.  finally, success.
anyway, everyone got to school after some fussing about shoes not being where they were supposed to be and the red giraffe print pants do NOT match your pink matilda jane dress.  no they don't.  no they don't.  no. change. now.
i brought maebry home for some quiet breakfast. this is where she's started the fun game of eat a bite, throw a bite.  eat a bite, razz a bite, repeat.  it's a fun game.... if you're the one eating and razzing.  if you're the one scraping blueberries off the door facings, it's quite tiresome.
she went down for a nap and i went haywire trying to clean up for my sweet housekeeper to come.  yes, i have a housekeeper and yes, she's very important to me (read the story about maebry's new game if you're thinking anything ugly).  well, i got things straightened up enough so that she wouldn't think i had forgotten she was coming.  toilets flushed, side note: why don't my children flush toilets?  why?
then i realized, if i'm going to shower (which i really should, since i did get up and sweat like a gypsy with a mortgage for an hour in the middle of the night), it needs to be during maebry's nap.... like now.... but the housekeeper could be here any minute..... RUN!  if we, indeed, have 2000 parts, i'm pretty sure only about 1500 of mine got cleaned, if i'm being generous.  but i called it sufficient.  maebry was up before i could get my hair dried or myself dressed, but i made it before the housekeeper showed up.
i knew that part of my mood was due to the fact that i needed some adult interaction, so i texted some friends to see if anyone wanted to meet for lunch. now, this group text had been going on all morning and the last text had been like 25 seconds before my lunch invitation, but after i sent that text, it went silent.  nothing.  well, i thought, nobody wants to go to lunch with me, but they don't want to hurt my feelings and tell me so.... so nobody is saying anything.  hmph.
turns out, they did text back....and they did want to go eat with me.  but my texts never came through.  none of them.  that lunch could have turned my whole day around, i believe.
let's get to the afternoon.  the children are home from school.  their red folders are strewn from the front door to the back door.  papers everywhere, paperwork to fill out, conferences to schedule, fun run money to ask for, blah blah blah, and you can no longer tell my house was cleaned today.  there are stinky socks and shoes and kids everywhere.
i'm planning a baby shower and i had some of the supplies out, and they kept messing with my stuff.  quit.  that's mine.  stop.  leave it alone.  don't mess with that.  PLEASE stop.  go on.  go play.  do homework, have a snack.  get ready for tennis.  get out of my stuff.  put her down.  get your hands off of her.  stop touching that.  FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD, LEAVE MY STUFF ALONE.
here's the deal. as a mom, all day, every day, we are performing acts of service.  feeding someone, cleaning up after someone, doing someone's laundry, wiping someone's tail.  and on most days i don't mind that, although i don't think i'll miss wiping bottoms, but i could be wrong.
  in fact, i love performing acts of service.  i like to be needed.  but you know what?  sometimes i just want to be selfish for a day.  well, "want" might not be the word.  these days come on without warning, usually.  yesterday, i wanted to make a centerpiece without my children touching it.  i wanted to take a shower without a baby.  i wanted to run errands, but i got called to school because adelaide's braces hurt.  i wanted to eat lunch, but my phone is stupid.  i wanted to be left alone.  i didn't want to be responsible for anyone.  i didn't want to drive to tennis, or fix supper.  i didn't even want to pick up supper.  if i had been alone, i would've eaten a bowl of cereal.  without chia seeds.  instead, i have 5 schedules that, essentially, come before mine.  and sometimes that gets old.  so, i fed the kids zaxby's, gave them baths and put them to bed at 7:00.  it might have even been a few minutes before 7:00.  and i told them that i didn't care what time they went to sleep, but that i shouldn't hear them until morning.  and i didn't.
i came downstairs, sat on the couch and watched football until jason got home.  and i don't think he knew what kind of mood i was in because he asked what i fixed for supper and then he made a snide remark about how it's a good thing his love language isn't "acts of service" since i didn't fix supper.  he was kidding, but i think he knew that was a poor choice because he put his hands up in a surrender stance and backed away slowly.  that.  that was a good choice.

yesterday i was selfish.  very very selfish.  i'm not proud of it, but i'm speaking the truth here.  most of my days revolve around selflessness.  and that's the way it should be.  i put jason before me and i put each of the children before me and that means if i'm doing anything for me, it has to happen when they are all asleep.  but sometimes, i just want to do my own thing.  and i want them to do their own thing and i want to be left alone for a few minutes (or days).
i understand that these days go by fast, and i should savor and enjoy them, and slow down and smell the roses or whatever, but the truth is, sometimes i just want to curl up with a book and a cup of coffee and pretend like i'm the only person in the whole world.  or i might want to go to lunch with my girlfriends without packing a baggie of chicken nuggets in my purse.  or i might even like to go on a date with my husband while someone else puts the children to bed.
but when i sit and think about it, most sin can be traced back to selfishness in some form.  and i don't want to fall into a habit of being selfish.  i want to look like Jesus to my children and my friends.  yesterday i failed, big time.  and i asked forgiveness from everyone involved. and i think they forgive me.

so, what made my day bad?  it was my attitude.  the children weren't bad.  they were just being children.  they wanted to play with water balloons and they didn't want to do homework.  they wanted my attention and i wanted to be left alone.  they wanted to be right under me and i elbowed them in the head (not intentionally, just because they were literally right under me).
today is a new day.  and it's a good day.
yesterday wasn't awful.  it was ok.  i was just in a funk.  and if i only do that about 5 days out of 365, i think i'm doing ok.  hopefully next year it will be less, but i make no promises.
so for those of you that stuck around, there's a rumor going around that i have it all together and, as you can see, that's just gossip. i don't have it all together.  i have complete meltdowns and many days i survive on little more than Jesus and coffee.  but i know i'll look back on these days and smile.  i know i will.  but i think i'll also have some appreciation of the fact that, despite these days being a blessing, they're hard.  and they're demanding.  and they're infuriating sometimes.  but they're fleeting.  and soon i won't be in high demand like i am now.  i'll be old news, following around bigger people that don't need me as much as they do now.  and i'm sure i'll miss some of this.  maybe even most of it.  but today, it's fresh and it's real and it's exhausting. but i will choose, today, to be thankful. i'll choose to put on a smile and serve my family.
thanks for listening.  if you have any unhelpful advice or snide remarks, you can leave them in the complaint box and i'll get to them later.


Andrea S. said...

:) I second that emotion.

Living for Him said...

I love your honesty!!! You are such a good mama and wife and I admire your desire to just be real! It helps so many out there to not feel alone and to realize that even those who "have it all together" have their moments too! So normal! Your family is so blessed to have you! :)

P.S. Write more blog posts (in your spare time, HA) because they are thoroughly entertaining! You're a really good writer, too!